.." What?" Have you..." Spit it out, doll." Have you had it chopped off?"She laughed."You seem particularly fascinated with that, Frankie. You never talkabout anything else. Are you thinking you'd like to have that done?You should do. It's the most wonderful thing in the world, Frankie. Toanswer your question: yes. I've had myself castrated."I gasped."Didn't you notice? I was off for a week."I said that they told me she'd had a cold. I realised how naive I'dbeen. Why Charlotte and the others had been smiling when they told meabout Colette's "cold"."It can be done so quickly?" I said. "You were only away a few days." It's a lot easier these days. A minor operation." God!" I said. "What's it like? I mean, how does it feel?"She thought about it before answering. "It's so much more... free.When you've got something down there you don't want and suddenly it'sgone, it's like having a rotten tooth taken out. I just want to touchit all the time. Prove to myself that it's gone."And having. I'm sorry; oh God I'm sorry." I stopped moving and pulled her resistant frame into another embrace.As I kissed the nape of her neck and then her lips lightly, I whispered, "it's okay. I'm the one that is sorry (I really was). I don't want to hurt or scare you." As she squeezed me hard I added, "just sleep for a while. I'll finish cooking." She kissed me deeply then mouthed "thank you" as her eyes watered.At least she knew she could trust me now. Where my restraint had come from I still don't know; any other girl in the same circumstance would be fucked by now. But I treasured this girl and wanted to protect her, I wanted to be with her, I wanted to father children with her. Is this what love is? My friends use to call me Spock because of my unflappable persona. Well my Vulcan psyche was in cognitive dissonance, it was illogical.I rarely masturbated in those days, I kept busy enough. But that night I jacked off at least five times, filling my hands and splattering the tub.
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